You have reached a dead-end, this person and this journal no longer exists.

Beautiful car.

Once i asked a little girl,
"Little girl why do you cry, why do you cry when your life is perfect.
You have friends and a family that loves you, so why do you cry?
Where do your tears come from?"
She looked at me straight in the eye and said to me with so much conviction
that i truly believed that this little gril in her frilly pink dress had seen more heartbreak and despair than I could ever imagine,
"I cry because I have nothing left in the world. Yes I have a family and friends, but the so called family doesn't care about me. My father who used to do everything with me, doesnt have the time or energy to even give me a hug. The mother who always treated me like her baby is now treating someone else the way she used to treat me. And the sister who took that away from me treats me like I am the shit on her shoes."
I looked at her and just from this I wanted to cry with her, for her. But she continued.
"My best friends are people that anyone in their right mind would want, but I dont think they want me. They have other people in thier lives to do the things for them that I used to do. They no longer need me, the show of friendship that they do is just that, a show."
I sat down beside her and pulled her into my arms and started to stroke the top of her head. She looked up at me and asked the question I was so afrid she would ask,
"Why do you cry at night when no one is looking? Why do you bleed your life away night after night, leaving new and old scars to intermingle?"
I just stared at her, how could someone this small so eloquently put into words the way I escaped.
"I do it to escape the pain the I feel everyday and cant express, I do it to release the screams that I want to vocalize but can't. I do it to bring myself back into this shell that I inhabit, even though I dont want to. I do it to hold back the tears that I want to flow, but knowI can't."
Her eyes looked straight into my soul and I knew right then that she needed me and I needed her. We were thrown together by fate but we stayed together out of the plain fact taht we were scared to death to be alone. After that we were never alone again. Even in death, we were never alone...

I dont feel like I belong anymore
I'm falling out, I have to stop crying out
I cant be the reason for thier tears
I cant be the reason for thier distress
I was always able to hide the pain within
what happened to that ability
what happened to make me want to be normal
what happened to make me want to get out of this darkness
I used to be happy lying in this darkness
letting the monsters eat away at my soul
and then something happened
I wanted to keep what was left of the shattered soul
i wanted to have the laughter in my voice be real
I wanted the light back in my eyes that used to be tehre
what happened?
I never wanted to live
I didnt want to keep living a lie
and then....

Count on me through thick and thin
A friendship that will never end
When you are weak
I will be strong
Helping you to carry on
Call on me, I will be there
Don't be afraid
Please believe me when I say
Count on...

I can see it's hurting you
I can feel your pain
It's hard to see the sunshine through the rain
I know sometimes it seems as if
It's never gonna end
But you'll get through it
Just don't give in cause you can

Chorus:
Count on me (mm) through thick and thin
A friendship that will never end (ah)
When you are weak
I will be strong
Helping you to carry on
Call on me, I will be there
Don't be afraid
Please believe me when I say
Count on...
You can count on me

Oh yes you can (ah)
Oo, I know sometimes it seems as if
We're standing all alone
But we'll get through it
Cuz love won't let us fall

Chorus:
Count on me (count on me, i'll be there) through thick and thin
A friendship that will never end
When you are weak
I will be strong (I'll be strong)
Helping you to carry on (yes, you know)
Call on me, I will be there
Don't be afraid
Please believe me when I say
Count on...
Count on...

There's a place inside all of us
Where our faith in love begins
You should reach to find the truth in love
The answers' there within, oh
I know that life can make you feel
It's much harder than it really is
But we'll get through it (we'll get through it)
(Just) Just (don't) don't give in (oh)

Chorus:
Count on me (count on me) through thick and thin
A friendship that will never end (it'll never end)
When you are weak (you)
I will be strong (I will be strong)
Helping you to carry on
Call on me, I will be there
Don't be afraid (don't be afraid now)
Please believe me when I say
Count on
Count on
Count on
Count on
Count on
Count on me
Oh yes you can
I know I can
Yes you can
Well
So glad I can, count on me

I know that life ain't always good to you.
I've seen exactly what it’s put you through
Thrown you around and turned you upside down and so you
You got to thinking there was no way out
You started sinking and it pulled you down
It may be tough you've got to get back up
Because you know that life ain't over yet
I'm here for you so don't forget
You can count on me
Cause’ I will carry you till you carry on
Anytime you need someone
Somebody strong to lean on
Well you can count on me
To hold you till the healing is done
And every time you fall apart
Well you can hide here in my arms
And you can count on me
To hold you till that feeling is gone

I wonder why nobody's waiting on you
I'd like to be the one to pull you through your darkest times
I'd love to be the light that finds you
I see a silver lining on your cloud
I'll pick you up whenever you fall down
Just take my hand and I will help you stand
Because you know that life ain't over yet
I'm here for you so don't forget
You can count on me
Cause’ I will carry you till you carry on
Anytime you need someone
Somebody strong to lean on
Well you can count on me to hold you till the healing is done
And every time you fall apart you can hide here in my arms
And you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is
Gone so you can live today
Seems so long to yesterday
Keep on counting on me to carry you till you carry on
Carry on

You know that life ain’t over yet
I’m here for you so don’t forget
You can count on me cause I will carry you till you carry on
Anytime you need someone
Somebody strong to lean on
Well you can count on me to hold you till that healing is done
And every time you fall apart
You can hide here in my arms
And you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is gone
Remember life ain’t over yet
I’m here for you so don’t forget
That you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is gone
Remember life ain’t over yet
I’m here for you so don’t forget
That you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is gone

I love my best friend in the whole world, I feel empty without her. She never let me down and I hope, if I have, I never will again.

With this knife
I apologize
for every wrong thing I said
for every wrong thing I did

With this knife
I apologize
for not being the perfect daughter
for not being the perfect friend

With this knife
I cut away the bindings
that holds my soul
to this earth

With this Knife
I slash at the bad
the ugly
and the mean

With this knife
I say goodbye
tonight
and forever

With this knife
you can move on
you can be happy
you can forget

Can I just tell you that band camp fuckin rocks!!!!!!!!! I crowd surfed for the very first time EVER!!!!!!! Amanda was like Nikki you have to and of course being the chicken shit I am I didnt want to cuz I was scared that the people would drop me, and they did, and I would die, which I didn't. But it was so fuckin awsome, I think I need to go to bed though cuz I am wiped.

A band I heard at work while doing recovery, I like them, some of u might not but I did. They're called Lacuna Coil, weird name but oh well.

Oh no, here it is again
I need to know when I'll fall in to decay
Something wrong with every plan of my life
I didn't really notice that you've been here

Dolefully desired
Destiny of a lie

(Chorus)
Set me free
Your heaven's a lie
Set me free with your love
Set me free

Oh no, here it is again
I need to know why did I choose to betray you
Something wrong with all the plans of my life
I didn't realize that you've been here

Dolefully desired
Destiny of a lie

(Chorus) Repeat

Dolefully desired...

(Chorus) Repeat

Lost Lullaby
Simple as i am
The lies around
are convincing me theres nothing right there
outside only breeze

cold that rescues me
the wound in here
Is reminding me that i'll be one day
Just a broken wheel onto your way

I dont want to please you forever

While the magic dice
are on the ground
It's so hard to decide between myself and you
pain is covering me

As a healing wind
that clears the sky
will you promise me the things you told me?
will you give me everything i want?

I dont want to please you forever

no lies
im purified
and no more failure in my life
water onto my fire

I dont want to please you forever

I have a massive head-hurt right now, its the same one from yesterday, poop. Just thought I would let everyone know.

I Fucking You~ Godsmack

For everything you do
I'd like to swallow you
And every day I'm gonna blame you
Even if you justify
Every fuckin bullshit lie
It only makes me want to break you

You pull me down
And you crucify my name
You make me insane
It's broken now,
Don't ever look my way
Don't even think I'm playin

Cuz I fuckin hate you
You're such a liar
And I'd love to hang you
You're all the same to me

When you repeatedly
Take advantage of me
The only thought I get of you, sickens me
Everybody knows you're fake
You're everything I fuckin hate
And I'm everything that you could never be

You pull me down
And crucify name
You make me insane
It's broken now,
Don't ever look my way
Don't even think I'm playin

(2x)
I fuckin hate you
You're such a liar
And I'd love to hang you
You're all the same to me

Fuck you (4x)

You pull me down
And crucify name
You make me insane
It's broken now,
Don't ever look my way
Don't even think I'm playin

(2x)
Cuz I fuckin hate you
You're such a liar
And I'd love to hang you
You're all the same to me

Fuck you (4x)It's broken now, don't ever look my way, don't even think I'm playin
Cause I fucking hate you, your such a liar, and I love to hate
you, your all the same to me. (x2)

Fuck you (x4)